A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office. The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test. “What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers. “What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.” The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.” “Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees. “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal’s eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers. “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies. “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers. “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers. “Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”
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District Attorney: Would you please state your age to the court for the record?
Little Old Lady: I am 86-years-old.
DA: Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question?
LOL: I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man sits down beside me.
DA: Did you know him?
LOL: No, but he sure was friendly.
DA: What happened after he sat down beside you?
LOL: Well, he started to rub my thighs.
DA: Did you stop him?
LOL: No, I didn’t.
DA: Why not?
LOL: It felt good. Nobody has done that since my husband passed away 30 years ago.
DA: Then what happened?
LOL: He started to rub my breasts.
DA: Did you stop him then?
LOL: NO!
DA: Why not?
LOL: Well, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn’t felt that good in years.
DA: What happened next?
LOL: Well, I started to feel spicy that I said to him, “You hot thing, please take me and enter me.”
DA: And did he take you?
LOL: No. That’s when he yelled “April Fools!”…And that’s when I shot him.
1. As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she hears a strange buzzing coming from within. Opening the door, she observes her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asks: “What in the world are you doing?” The daughter replies: “Mom, I’m 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.” The next day, the girl’s father hears the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he sees his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. In his defense, the daughter says, “Dad, I’m 35, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”A couple of days later, the wife comes home from a shopping trip, places the groceries on the kitchen counter, and hears a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She enters the area and sees her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator is next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asks, “What the f@!* are you doing?” The husband replies: ‘I’m watching soccer with my son-in-law.”
Gorilla and Chihuahua
2. A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in a tree. He calls a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrives armed with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he tells the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until it falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uhm, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” replies the homeowner. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall down from the tree before the gorilla,” begins the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.
The Pope
3. After getting Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.” The driver protests, but later gives in. He gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. After exiting the airport, the Pontiff accelerates the limo to 205 kph. “Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop. “And I mean really important.” The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “ A senator?” “Bigger!” “The Prime Minister?” “Bigger!” Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” “I think it’s God!” The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “And what makes you think it’s God?” “His chauffeur is the Pope!”
Time to chuckle a little bit with this joke compilation i gathered from the web i have visited.
#1. Duck in a Bar
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks "Do you have any grapes"?
-- Scott Pruitt
#2. Case Study
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
#3. Pucker Up
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
#4. Bar Order
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
-- Weston Davis
#5. Running Away
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."
-- Don Nguyen
#6. Unclean
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined."
I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial.
My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said ‘dirty magazines,’ I meant the clips from their rifles hadn’t been cleaned."
-- Millie Courtis
#7. Missing Parts
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter.
It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body.
Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note—the radio does not work."
-- Chick Mansur
#8. Misunderstood
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
-- Vicki Stone
#9. Musical Dummy
My musical director wasn't happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
#10. A Golf Tutorial
. A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them play as well as they would like, so they decide to take private lessons with a pro. The husband has his lesson first. The pro sees the husband’s swing and says, “No, no, no! You are gripping the club way too hard!” “What should I do?” asks the husband. “Hold the club gently,” replies the pro, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.” The husband takes the advice, takes a swing, and—pow!—he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, “No, no, no! you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What should I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife follows the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and—thump!—the ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet. “That was great,” says the pro, “nice and gentle. Now try taking the club out of your mouth.”
RNPS IMAGES OF THE YEAR 2009 - U.S. President Barack Obama (C) and France's President Nicolas Sarkozy (R) take their places with junior G8 delegates, including Brazil's Mayora Tavares (L), for a family photo at the G8 summit in L'Aquila, Italy July 9, 2009. Leaders of the Group of Eight major industrial nations and the main developing economies are meeting in the central Italian city of L'Aquila until Friday to discuss issues ranging from global economic stimulus to climate change and oil prices.
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There are some common mistakes made by almost every poker player in the rookie years. Even though there is a lot of information available online about strategies and tips on poker games, these mistakes recur. But at the end of the day, every mistake has a solution and it can be avoided to ensure success. Some of the things that you should avoid while playing online poker is:
• If you are not comfortable due to hunger, illness, divorce or any sort of frustration then try to avoid playing in these conditions as it can lead to wrong decisions. If you still force yourself then you may lose a lot of money.
• If you have strong opponents then there are chances that they will make you lose. Even if you are good at this game, success will be based on your opponent’s skills to a great extent. Losing a game means your opponents are good, so make sure that you play a game according to your skills and interest.
• Another important reason due to which players lose the game is the choice of a wrong game. You should go for it only if you are experienced and good at poker. For first timers, there are very less chances of winning. It is essential for them to know the strategies and rules and then play.
• Make sure that you do not lose your emotional balance while playing poker. It is important to stay cool because when you are angry and irritated you tend to make wrong decisions which will send a signal to your opponents about your weak hand.
• Many poker players forget to observe their opponents hands. They just think about their moves and avoid many important aspects of their opponent’s moves. You will have to be a professional and study the moves of other players meticulously.
• If you are not prepared to play, then don’t get into it because winning and losing is based on your skills as well as preparation. Good planning could mean good chances to win. Losing focus could lead to loss of money.
• Many poker players don’t concentrate on their game when they start losing. But in order to be successful, you need to understand the situation and then convert it into a benefit.
• You will have to be aggressive and daring in the good sense because timid and bad playing is only for losers. Try not to play for a long duration because it will not only exhaust your brain but the game as well. Playing a lot in a stretch can lead to confusion.
