1. As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she hears a strange buzzing coming from within. Opening the door, she observes her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asks: “What in the world are you doing?” The daughter replies: “Mom, I’m 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.” The next day, the girl’s father hears the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he sees his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. In his defense, the daughter says, “Dad, I’m 35, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”A couple of days later, the wife comes home from a shopping trip, places the groceries on the kitchen counter, and hears a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She enters the area and sees her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator is next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asks, “What the f@!* are you doing?” The husband replies: ‘I’m watching soccer with my son-in-law.”

    Gorilla and Chihuahua
2. A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in a tree. He calls a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrives armed with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” he tells the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until it falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uhm, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.” “Got it,” replies the homeowner. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall down from the tree before the gorilla,” begins the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.
    
     The Pope
3. After getting Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.” The driver protests, but later gives in. He gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. After exiting the airport, the Pontiff accelerates the limo to 205 kph. “Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop. “And I mean really important.” The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “ A senator?” “Bigger!” “The Prime Minister?” “Bigger!” Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” “I think it’s God!” The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “And what makes you think it’s God?” “His chauffeur is the Pope!”